Listening to: Party in USA

i have lots to say & i don't know where to start and how to end it.
i can say that alot of things happen wiithin this week.

1st :
       i just had an outing at Sentosa. accompanied by Syahidah, Bebecca & Shao hui. we did, Pictionary, Scrabble & Taiti. Syah and i went for swimming but more to stay in the water and got hit by the WAVE. oh yes, Painful lah! headed to Vivo City , didnt buy anything cause i have to think twice. haha! damn.
went home, Mummy knows about my dirty lil' secret . Sort of but i'm not going to do it anymore. hee.  Syah! we can do it! shhh. =)

2nd :
        about my pay, now left 3 digits already and it's sad. and it's only the 12th of OCTOBER. wtf. cannot survive lah me. i need some extra $$$ to survive till the end. that's all about this.

3rd :
        actually i've deleted my blog and decided to make it alive one more time cause i can't bottle up all the problems to myelf and i rather let it out here. tagboard? i don't think so. music? can consider. pictures? NO. people do read my blog . :) and, that's about it.

4th :
        Boyfriend's going to Australia in this Sunday, 18 october. i don't know what to react about this matter but i did, last night and that's the reason why i'm now blogging here. i felt that there's a need to write down here cause i don't know how to let it out to my close ones. yesterday it triggered me that Bf is really going away for the whole month and got me thinking, ' why does it feel so wrong? ' 'what i should do?' 'will history repeat itself again?' . all this Ws came. maybe i'm just confused. i have my own reason for what i did.and it's because i care about us. we're always on the rocky road which i myself hate it. giving stress and all , work stress. what more can i handle? i can't, anymore. i keep losing a strand of hairs every single day and it concerns me. it really does and i'm serious about this. i don't want to have a break down in the middle of somewhere cause i know it sucks. i really think that Bf stress level doesn't compare to me.  we have different responsibility and i can't handle two in one problem. it's hard and it's giving me tough time here. i use to be stress free but now it's all over. i have to think about every single thing . i have to be an independent 18 year old girl. 18? handle all this shit , HAVE NO LIFE. :'( i wish i can live in a fairytale world . reality treat me like shit. i hate it. i know i'm being an emotional person, i admit. i am in that category now. help me , please.

5th:
      the person i am today is all the person/experience that taught me in the last 18 years i'm living. i've gone through alot even though i'm only a teenager.i'm still a teen. teen=freedom. as for me, not at all. i have issues to deal with. i hate being me. i'm not studying and already have a full time job. i rather study than work cause you only have to use ur brain and not physically. it's mentally. i want to go to school. relationship, i suck. that's the only word that describe me in that topic. i had my ego and of cause i don't admit it. i'm stubborn. i'm always in the win-win situation. i don't listen to what people advice me. i can be cruel at times cause someone so heartless taught me that. left without a word have make me weak and stronger after that. getting cheated and make me like a fool have make me to be as heartless as that someone i once knew. and karma had already punished him. making me suffer in a ward just because of him have taught me not to trust every single one of their kind. i've prove myself to be someone strong in the outside but not inside. i'm weak when it comes to this and i'm only good to put on a show till the curtain close. i've given my best but in the end , there's always a regret written in me. always do.

i'm ending here.

*i feel disgusted for myself : (